The Lore

1984 – Born on an air force base somewhere in the US
1985 – Moved to Germany so my dad could be James Bond
1986 – Frequently used a retired bomb dog as a pillow
1987 – Relocated to a town of maybe 300 people somewhere in Mississippi
1988 – Played a lot of Double Dragon with my dad and my brother
1989 – Stepped into a pile of cow shit with my bare foot (probably not on purpose)
1990 – Inherited my sister’s pink Strawberry Shortcake bicycle, but my dad spray-painted it black for me
1991 – Had a visual hallucination of a cherub opening a trapdoor from a cloud just to poke its head out and shush me while I was whistling
1992 – Did a full side split on a moving merry-go-round
1993 – Swallowed a very large magnet that may very well still be inside me
1994 – Had my first run-in with “the law” for playing in the sewer with a friend and scaring some poor woman who heard us shouting while she was on the toilet
1995 – Lived with my family (including our dog, which was half coyote) in a motel for several weeks
1997 – Got a smile from the girl I liked as my classmates tried to stuff me into a garbage can
1998 – Sat in a garbage can at the request of the girl I liked (but not the same one from the previous year)
1999 – Had a yo-yo phase
2000 – Survived the Y2K bug, bought a PS2, and started dating that girl who I’d sat in a garbage can for
2001 – Fought off a horde of cicadas with a shovel
2002 – played Jesus in a high school production of Godspell
2003 – The great mushroom prank war
2004 – Tried out for my university cheerleading team
2005 – Moved to Japan, drank 1.5 liters of milk nearly every day for several months, and sang karaoke for the first time
2006 – Skipped class with my girlfriend in Kentucky to elope before flying to Chicago to interview for a job in Japan
2007 – Spent way too much money at Denny’s
2008 – Celebrated the new year by climbing onto my apartment’s rooftop with some friends and an airsoft rifle
2009 – Received a “professor” visa
2010 – Spent a snowy New Year’s Eve with the cast of a feature film in an old Japanese home that had once been a hospital
2011 – Became fully qualified to tell dad jokes
2012 – Got my first proper camera (Canon 7D) so I could take better baby photos
2013 – Worked 16 hours per week and performed a musical in ass-less chaps
2014 – Felt really short while talking with Nicholas Hoult
2015 – Did crunches nonstop through the entirety of Boogie Nights and got to produce some content for Mental Floss
2016 – Took my daughter to the park as often as possible
2017 – Spent a lot of time with puppets, primates, and famous YouTubers
2018 – Watched a giant mascot get stuffed into a hatchback and driven around with its legs dangling out
2019 – Woke up at 4am to help rake the largest rock garden in Japan
2020 – Finally managed to take a single decent photo of myself (and have cat-phished the world with it ever since)
2021 – Had a staring contest with a huntsman spider while squatting over a toilet at the beach
2022 – Learned what burning hair smells like
2023 – Made a habit of opening my door to strangers
2024 – A whale shark rubbed against my leg like a giant water cat
2025 – Witnessed a legendary night of live blues
2026 – Fell in love with a typewriter